A Helpless State.
Voice. This word is so sacred to me. The Holy Spirit whispers "be My voice" to my heart unendingly, it scares me just as much as it excites me. His voice? What on earth. What could I offer to justify His goodness? His love? How worthy He deems you? But then I breath deeply remembering it's just that, it's His voice. It's not mine, and it's surely not up to me (how terrifying if it was.)
I recently returned from another trip to the border of Cambodia and Thailand where I work to elevate women from poverty. With every trip God grants different eyes and a new heart. Sometimes all I have eyes for is the hope being sown into the lives of those before us, sometimes it's opportunity functioning as momentum for all that lies ahead. Those are the inspiring trips, the kind that romanticize this realm of work. This trip, it was utter heartache and to be honest, deep feelings of helplessness.
These feelings flooded at me the first day back in the village as we visited two homes of the women we employ. These women possess stories of deep tragedy and despair. As I stood in each of their homes, I was so overcome I actually had to step out and pretend I needed air as tears streamed down my face. Turns out it isn't protocol to breakdown at the sight of a loved ones home they're proud of, but I simply couldn't stomach the state of poverty in which they're living. And what caught me so off guard was the fact that I'd stood there before, countless times, but God was doing a new thing, He was crumbling my heart to position me deep within the lesson He had - the lesson of helplessness.
Two weeks ago I would have defined such a word as weak or off-putting. I would have described it as an incredibly difficult state. I would have told you to be helpless was to struggle. I'm so grateful that even now as I type those things, I want to just scream! I want to counter every negative connotation and I actually want to seek to be more helpless in every single area of my life. I'm learning to be made helpless inevitably leads us to more surrender. If I cannot fix, I have to pray. If I do not know, I seek wisdom. If I am made weak, He must be strong.
To be helpless is a chance to radically let go. It's a chance to let God to show up and show off.
There have been so many (and I mean SO many) moments I have stood along the front lines of poverty and prayed that no one would find out how ill equipped I am. That no one would find out God got the wrong gal for the job and I actually had no clue what I was doing. And now, I'm coming to find that my weakness is one of my greatest strengths. This undeniable weakness has single handedly taught me total and complete reliance on my God alone. And that reliance? Oh gosh. Miracles. Miracles live in full reliance, many I wouldn't trade for anything in this world. And the best part is it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Him and how He creatively pursues His people.
I write on this topic because ultimately what God has spent the last two weeks teaching me is to be made helpless is to be made free. And when we're freely and fully relying on His promises and purposes it will most certainly surpass any grand plan I had, or anything I could accomplish in my own strength. He will guide, He promises - our job is simply to follow.
To submit to feelings of helplessness took me a minute to comfortably adjust to, but I wouldn't trade it.
So as I begin this site, a place to speak to the heart of you, I feel it's only right to be so fully honest with you: I feel helpless. God has put it on my heart to speak to you, to write to you, and to begin employing the confidence that I have something legitimate to share. To begin claiming 'His voice' and that I will steward the things He speaks to me well. If it were up to me I'd probably fill this site with aesthetically pleasing things and seek to please the world, I'd probably hide how radically I desire to follow Him as to avoid being the Jesus freak. And I'd probably just forego building the site altogether to be perfectly honest.
But that's not what He's asked, and that's not the plan He has to speak to the heart of you.
"Be My voice" He whispers. What a task. But I think helpless is the freest, rawest place I could begin. To be completely empty and ready for His purposes alone. My prayer over this site is that you visit it as a place to feel loved, as a place to be real, as a place to not only take but to give as you engage with me and the things He has placed on my heart to share. My prayer is that while I learn to more fully rely on Him alone, while I learn to be His boldness and to claim the things inside of me for such a time as this - you lean in to walk with me and do the very same right where you are.
My heart is for you, so deeply for you, to come alive and live out the desires He has planted deep within you. There is something divine and profound meant to flow through your life, and I'd venture to guess the world desperately needs you to not only claim it, but to live it.
My heart beats fast even thinking about it.